Losing My Baby

T is fast heading towards the 7 1/2 month point, and is desperately trying to become mobile. This stage is accompanied by lots of climbing, clambering, press-ups, rocking on knees and whining and screeching when stranded on his back. He is growing so fast, and his progress is fascinating and joyous to watch. However, it is tinged with sadness, and this hit me earlier this week.

Bedtime usually involves a wash, teeth brushing (yes, he has two now!) and pyjamas, then as he’s still breastfed, he has a feed to settle him and in to his cot he goes. We try to put him into bed awake, so he learns to settle himself to sleep. On the night in question I had a migrane starting, and really couldn’t face the possible crying and fussing for half an hour, so I laid us both down on the bed and let him feed to sleep. Once asleep, I just lay and watched him, and as I did, a feeling of sadness washed over me and I wanted to cry. I felt like I was mourning what wasn’t yet lost, and I felt guilty and self indulgent for doing so. We have been so blessed to be able to have this beautiful, funny, characterful little boy in our lives,  when many others can’t. I watched his little hands, with deep dimples over his knuckles, slowly fall to rest each side of his head as he slept, and suddenly he rolled towards me and started nuzzling for more milk. I know he will grow into a handsome man who we will be proud of, but I will miss the cute, chunky little boy who is so dependent on his parents.

A couple of days later I tentatively mentioned this to DH, expecting him to think I was being a silly, emotional female. I was quite surprised when he said he felt exactly the same, like he was losing baby T, seeing the little baby disappearing day by day as the new boy T was taking over. It really is a crazy ride, I love watching him grow, learning more all the time, but you can’t help feeling sad as you know you will never get those first newborn cuddles back, or the many other special moments. They are just memories now, very precious, but memories just the same, and subject to our fallible, human brains, which may fail us in the future.

I hope I don’t offend or upset anyone who thinks I’m being selfish for feeling the way I do, but I wanted to be honest. This is me (and DH) and this is how we feel. Maybe others can relate, maybe not. We all have different journeys, and I am sharing little snippets of mine in the hope that I can entertain and maybe reassure others who have been there or are going to get there eventually. I will have to leave it there as a certain little pickle is trying out his teeth on my toe.

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